i got in to LCC though



ILLUSTRATION DEGREEEEEEEE

aaaaalso



i dont understand why god doesnt take souls in exchange for wicked sweet powers like the devil does.

i mean, selling your soul to god would be fine, you'd have eternity in heaven as well as cool powers and it'd be cool for god too because the devil would be absolutely pushed out of the market for soul/power exchanges.



i would make a killer deity

aaaaaaaand i didnt get back in


year out

i feel sick. i almost just threw up into my bag and on my bed. this is because i just drank a glass of ice cold water (fast) and i only woke up about 20 minutes ago. the conflict of temperatures made me feel sick.


yesterday i found out im not going back to camberwell to do graphics.
today i find out if i go back at all next year (i find out if i go back to do illustration - which is what i want - next year)

im nervous and worried. i dont think my portfolio is good enough to make the cut. i think about 40-50 people applied and last year, after a similar amount of people applied, only 5 people got a place. a 1 in 10 chance.

haha yeah, good bye camberwell for at least a year.

i'll find out in a few hours. Im going in late so i miss the excited class mates and skip the awkward embarressment i feel when im surrounded by people better than me all fighting for the same place.


there's nothing i can do now so there's no use freaking out about it too much. but i dont know, i can't help but be a bit apprehensive seeing as this is a HUGE fucking deal.

These days, my posture's been pretty shit. My lower back is under of a lot of pressure from my heavy heart and my soaked brain, not to mention my broad shoulders and toned arms. Sometimes, it feels like it's going to buckle (my back I mean) and just fold over itself but mostly it just aches. I try to fix it; I sit in front of a mirror so i can see myself sit from the side and try my hardest to keep a straight back. I push my chest out a little so my shoulders are straight, I even keep my chin up and try my hardest to look solid yet elegant (the perfect combination when it comes to sitting correctly). But as soon as I relinquish my attention to something more interesting, slowly but surely, that old familiar curve reappears and after about 5 minutes an ache and a pain come sauntering down my spine and rest at the bottom just above my bottom.

Right now I'm sitting in my reclining leather chair, feet up and all (I feel as though I should have a box of cigarettes and an ashtray to my right) because sitting on my bed writing ruined my attempt at decent posture. I'm not sure if sitting like this is actually helping my back at all but I do know that it's taking the weight and I'm comfortable.

All this and the light in my room is making me feel a bit high.

I miss Ari.

I'm on a bummer, I'm low and alone and I feel like talking to someone and sharing last night's experiences. I feel like sitting cross legged on a bed, talking and staring and I can't really think of anyone I'd rather do that with than (you,) Ari.

im not sad, i just thought of this because when i was, i had a lot of people being lame and telling me 'you're the same as everyone else'



and the second one, well i was really low when i wrote that. but im not now so shoo shoo

---------------------

a lot of people say that what you go through as a teenager is the same thing that every teenager goes through and they may be right, but that doesn't mean that what you feel as a teen has no weight to it. if you're sad, you're sad, just because other people are sad too doesn't mean it means any less.

it just so happens that a lot of people are sad and if they're sad about the same thing, well then there's just a lot of people with similar feelings to you.

____________________________________

trying to go to sleep is the worst.

it's when you've stopped moving, when your brain's stopped having to think about moving you around.. that's when it comes;

a dark wave of thoughts, each of them previously buried underneath the 'look both ways' and 'move your left foot forwards' that have been prevalent throughout the day; it engulfs you and then, one by one, you're forced to face every niggle, every paranoid thought, every feeling of loneliness and irrelevance until there's nothing left to analyse and you can drift off to sleep.

and even the comfort you get from knowing that you'll be dreaming soon is lost because your final thought is 'what if i have a bad dream'

I never had friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve.
Jesus, does anyone?


I just watched Stand By Me again. It's the second time I watched it but only now have I really connected with it.
I watch it and think; that's what real friendship is.
The thing about that film is it's one, set in 50s America, a place and time I would kill to see, and two, it's showing what I never had.

I dunno, thats bad english and Im not really making sense but basically, I cry when I watch that film because it has something in it, the story has something that I'm jealous of; simple, natural, but unconditional friendship. Sometimes I think, what would life be like if we didnt have mobiles, the internet or computers.. and i always think that maybe we'd have better relationships, especially with the ones near to us, and we'd be more wordly and we would definitely be able to have fun and a good time by just being with the people we like.

Now, for me at least, I'm plagued by the question; 'What are we gonna do?'
(i was before i moved. now i have no friends nearby other than Christine and all I do is work; which is a good thing i think because I came to London not to party but to work hard and get into a good degree course)

What are we gonna do? I don't know, it shouldnt matter. It's sad, I know it's sad and I guess that's why I get so worked up over that film. Over the summer I've suggested fishing trips, road trips, camping, all that kind of stuff and none of my friend's supported it, they all said that it'd be boring. Actually, once when i said maybe we should go on a fishing trip, someone asked me 'But what are we gonna do?'

Hm.

I dunno.., I just wished that when I was twelve, I did live a life outside of my house. Or my friend's houses. I answered a question yesterday that read;

Where did you used to hang out when you were 10?

I answered; At home. Or at my friend's houses playing video games.

I wish that when I was a kid, after school I didn't come sraight home. I wish that me and my friend's went to a place where we could talk about the stuff that mattered to us, the stupid kid stuff that really doesn't make sense or if it does, it has no point. God, it's depressing, I'm 18 and I already miss being a kid..


But it's not what I did when I was a kid that I miss, it's the stuff I didn't do.

fitter hapier more productve...


tonight is the start of a new era; a time where I will keep my head on straight, be more productive, get myself fitter (Ive lost so much weight this year) and most importantly, Im going to get happier.

And im going to do this myself, I dont want to get happy by finding someone else, I want to be happy... and then find someone cute and pretty and nice.

I've been waiting for someone to make me happy for ages now and although it's occured to me that i cant rely on someone else to boost me up, its only sunk in today that i cant wait forever.

Im gonna get myself out and about, go on more walks, read, photographise, draw, paint.. im going to make something with my free time though it will be rare because when im not sleeping or eating, i'll be working my socks off at college.

ah this feels good. im going to go have some vegetarian chinese buffet food, drink a cocktail or two to celebrate this epiphany and then come home, sleep, get up tomorrow and go to college to wow some people.

;0

I got Final Fantasy (Owen Pallet)'s albums last night. This is really good stuff. I honestly hope you all go out and buy or listen to his music, it's awesome.

He's a violinist, the one who co-arranged The Arcade Fire's strings on Funeral and he used to tour with them and open for them. In fact, it was a review of his opener at one of the Arcade Fire's gigs that really made me fall in love with them. He plays his violin through a loop pedal and creates layers upon layers of violin whilst singing over the top of it all. It's all really impressive.

He's playing a gig with my friend's soon, really soon in fact. I am So gutted that i can't go but it's in sunderland and Im in London... He's playing a gig in Kings Cross the day after or something so if he likes my friend's band then they might try and open for him there too in which case I'll try and get in on the Guest List.



I really hope that happens because I'm dying to see him and now I have his albums too, oh man, I'd kill to see him.


Cathartic doesn't quite cut it..

actually, here's a You Tube link to his song, This Is The Dream Of Win and Regine

so ive been living in london for a week now. it's weird, it just feels normal, as if i havent moved and ive lived here all along. what i mean is, as soon as i got here, i felt settled. the only thing that's been getting to me is the crowds and the non stop traffic you can hear at night.

college is ok now. it's my third week and im starting to really enjoy it. the last two weeks have been kind of weird because i havent been that sure on what we're doing, and ive not been that inspired. but this week, well today, we've been set a new project which sounds awesome. i cant be bothered to really go into it but it basically involves collecting information, found objects, recording people and generally being a bit of a stalker. but not to anyone individual. well at least not yet.



i'll try and take some photos of my room soon too.

okay, basicaly, my tattoo is mispelled.

it reads plien de vie and not plein de vie which is the correct spelling.


at first i wanted to scream because its going to be on my for the rest of my life. its not that bad, i mean, most of the people who see it wont speak french so it's ok but i know its wrong and i know some people will know its wrong. i was thinking this and i was thinking i might just keep it covered when im meeting new people.


but now, im thinking that really it doesnt matter that much. i didnt get the tattoo because i wanted to be bad ass or so i could be 'out there'. i got it to remind me that i am full of life and that i have a life to live. i got it across my veins not because i wanted it to be on show all the time but because it lies across so much blood. this isn't me trying to justify the error, i cant do that. it's just me reminding myself that even though two letters are in the wrong place, the sentiment is the same.


and that's what's most important to me; the sentiment.

New account for a new life in the Big Smoke at a new home and a new laptop.

Also, I forgot the password on my other account and couldnt look it up.

Too tired to post a real entry but Im going to ikea tomorrow to get some bed covers and some bits and bobs to make the new flat more homey.

Im so tired. Im so cranky too.

Rawarrba